Friday the 13th sucked

On Friday August 13th, I said something stupid, something I didn’t mean. Because of what I said Erick thinks I don’t want children, lest of all children with him and it caused him to “turn off his heart”.

He’s stressed out from work as well as from our home life. My illness is stressful for everyone, especially for him.

According to what he told Kristina, he doesn’t want to break up with me but he has to fix himself before we can be together. He says his ex wife and things in his past have screwed him up and when I said I didn’t want kids it shut him down. He also says he has a hard time talking to me about what’s wrong and he wants to but he need to fix that too. He doesn’t know how long its going to take to fix but he thinks about a month or 2.

Two days he’s been telling me he needs to do this alone so I’m staying with Kristina, for this week at least. I haven’t text him so he can have his time alone. Tonight, my first night away, he texts me and says its weird not having me home. I told him this is what he asked for and I’m just trying to give him his time alone. I wasn’t going to leave so soon, hoping he’d get over this before I had to leave, but things are just too stressful and weird. He still kisses me when he comes home and before he goes to work in the morning. Last night he came home and acted like nothing was wrong. I just couldn’t handle another night of that so I had to leave. Kristina is gracious enough to let me stay for as long as I want however I don’t want to stay here long. I don’t want to burden her and without a job, I can’t help her out and that makes me feel like crap. After this week is up, hopefully I’ll have a better idea what’s going on and what to do next. As awful as it sounds, I’m hoping after a week apart-not seeing or talking to each other- he’ll realize that this is harder without me and want me to come home. This is my hope, but I’m still going to be realistic and try to figure out what to do with myself by next Monday.

I’ve told him several times now that I do want to have children and I want them to be his children. I told him I didn’t mean what I said and that I’m sorry. I’m not sure he believes me and I don’t think its helped anything to tell him.

I’m trying hard to not text him or leave him any notes, but it’s hard. How do you just stop talking to someone you’re used to seeing and talking to everyday? Kristina told me to text her or my brother or other friends when I get the urge to text Erick. I’ve successfully made it through one day. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes.